Paris, oh la la!

Is there anything more fun than waiting at the baggage reclaim for your suitcase to finally show up (or not show up, depending on your personal level of good fortune)? Yes? Think of all the things you’d rather be doing right now than standing around here, in a queue of people ready to grab at whatever comes their way that’s the right size, right colour. Imagine yourself, already at the hotel, drinking a delicious, chill cocktail. Or playing tourist at the Eiffel Tower. Or foodie in the Latin Quarters. So many options, no such luck.

Here you are; a suitcase comes rolling down the carousel, you’re sure it’s yours, the same size, same colour, same small sticker on the side, right? Well as you move up the conveyor belt a bit to reach for it, so does someone else, your hands almost colliding mid-air. You hesitate, so does the other person, so long that the suitcase you both think is yours almost continues around the bend.

What’s more fun than having to fight a stranger over your luggage? Honestly?

Is it a stereotype that the French drive like madmen? You don’t know whether it’s a stereotype, but it’s currently very true. A huge traffic jam is happening in an unruly circle around the Arc de Triomphe and you’re caught dead in the centre of it. Your taxi driver assures you it’ll clear soon, but you are just watching the taximeter tick on and on and on, counting all the euros in your wallet. Is that how your trip is going to end, pennilessness and poverty?

You’re been in the same place in the queue for twenty minutes, and at this point you just can’t take it anymore. The passenger door of the car up ahead opens and a person gets out, beginning to zigzag between cars at a standstill, honking ensuring.

That’s it, you think, this is my chance at freedom. Throwing a couple of euro bills at the driver, more than enough to cover the trip, you kick the door open as well and jump out. The driver yells after you, “you’re crazy!!” But you think, stereotypically speaking, Mr. French Person, you’re the crazy one, and run - after the other person, catching up to them after a moment.

The hotel, finally! Home, sweet almost home! No luggage misidentifications, no traffic jams, no queues. The receptionist looks up your booking number in the system and the expression on their face becomes a little sour, your heart immediately sinking in your chest. Oh no. Not this, too.

“I’m sorry, but we’ve overbooked,” the receptionist says in a perfect English, “your room is already in use and all other rooms are occupied as well. Do you want a refund? I’ll have to find my manager.”

I want my damn room, you think, but compose yourself, asking whether it would be possible that you might talk to other person who’s been given your room, to come to some sort of agreement. You have no energy to try and find another hotel at this hour. It was a big suite you’d booked, maybe it has a sofa, maybe they wouldn’t mind… Oh, hope springs eternal.

Looking at you for a long time with an unreadable expression, the receptionist finally takes pity on you and hands you the spare key. “I’ll call them up and let them know you’re coming.”

That’s all the help you’re getting.

[ cw: drugs. ]

WED FEB 1 - Some wind carrying the strong stench of sewer, most notable around the Montmartre area and the Right Bank. Later in the day, a fine drizzle of rain across the whole city which also smells like sewage where it touches skin.

THURS FEB 2 - A sunny day bathed in a sharp light that easily blinds drivers and pedestrians. The stench of sewer is still prevailing, having now spread to the Left Bank, too, due to a change of wind during the night. The rising temperatures also worsens the smell.

FRI FEB 3 - Another sunny day in Paris, though colder than the previous day. During the night, a thunderstorm has passed over the city, drenching the streets in fresh, cooling rain. Everything smells fresh and clean again. Not a cloud in the sky all day.

SAT FEB 4 - Late winter snow! It has snowed all night, covering the city in a thick white carpet of snow, perfect density for snowmen. While it will continue to snow a little throughout the day, it remains a clear day with little wind and crisp, sub-zero temperatures. Drive carefully!

SUN FEB 5 - As the temperature continues to drop, snow builds on top of snow, leaving the streets, parks and houses covered in meter-deep snowbanks. The frozen ground is beginning to look more like ice, and it is advised that people put on skates to get around today.

MON FEB 6 - Then, suddenly, overnight, all the snow melts away, revealing beneath it a muddy, drenched underground. In certain areas patches of white are still visible, but upon inspection you’ll find it’s not snow, but coke, dug out from its hiding place by the weater. Police!

TUES FEB 7 - All over the city, the find of coke has closed off streets and neighbourhoods. Traffic will be rerouted and a heavy presence of police in the street view is to be expected. Under a clear, blue sky and in warm sunshine, try not to step on another bag of coke, washed up on the banks of the Seine! You might just get a high you didn’t ask for.

MON FEB. 1 - During the night, the lids to the sewage systems in the streets behind the Eiffel Tower have all been opened, releasing the stench of sewer into the city. Please use face masks in the immediate area around the Eiffel Tower not to inhale minuscule particles from the sewers. We expect the issue to take a few days to have been righted. Courage!

SUN FEB 5 - Due to the build-up of snow and ice and the low temperatures, it is advised that Parisians who are on the move today bring skates and skis to get to their designated destinations. Driving is ill-advised and even walking is giving some problems. Careful on your daily journeys, fellow citizens!

THE LOUVRE, ALL OF FEBRUARY - Having recently bought the rights to showcase a major collection of artwork from the French Rococo period, among these several newly discovered portraits of the Queen Marie Antoinette, the Louvre has devoted a whole wing to exhibiting these as well as historical artefacts from the time, borrowed from the Palace of Versailles’ secret storages.

It is an expansive exhibit that may require one or two revisits to gain full enjoyment of all the paintings and historical titbits from a France long lost. Especially the three new portraits of the last Queen of France are worth going for, displayed along with a small selection of her toiletries.

We advise the visitor to pay a visit to the museum’s café as well before leaving, as they have a Marie Antoinette special that might amuse. It is a small case of macarons, decorated so they each look like they’re wearing a powdered wig.

THE GOAT, LATIN QUARTERS - The Goat is a small restaurant located behind the Notre Dame, currently being restored, with only room for 30-40 people on a busy night, but its small, dark, wooden interior and great wall of red wines and ports, doesn’t lend itself to crowds. It is an intimate place where one goes to get the cheese plate and a glass of red, rather than a full-course meal. They have no desserts on their card, specializing in cheeses, appetizers and meaty main courses. As the French like it.

We had an onion soup, complete with cheese lid and bread. Although it can be bought as a starter, we must say that it is extremely heavy and fully satisfies the function as main course. Tasty and very rich, it is all any restaurant-goer might wish for. We finished our night with the chef’s special cheese plate that featured only goat’s cheeses and enough bread and crackers to feed all of Paris.

At a commendable price, we award The Goat 4 out of 5 stars and advise that people reserve a table before going, or one might come to a fully booked establishment.

Open Tuesday through Sunday.

ANNOUNCEMENT, SAT FEB 4 - Due to the heavy snowfall, the mayor has signed a contract with a Swiss ski and skate factory, ordering for a pair of skis and two pair of skates to be delivered to every household in the Greater Paris Area, affected by the snowstorms. City taxes will as a result be raised 0.5 percent in March.

COKE FIND, MON FEB 6TH - Breaking news! A huge stash of coke has been uncovered underneath the mud in various parts of Paris and new finds keep emerging. All bags are under order to be turned in to the police immediately upon discovery and all of Montmartre is closed off for the next two days while the police works on the case. Note, there is a finder’s fee of €100 for returning any coke finds to the police station. Stay tuned.